Tag Archives: fear

Letters to Bumblebee Part 2

 

Our perfect little Bumblebee at 6.5 weeks!

Our perfect little Bumblebee at 6.5 weeks!

Because of our history, my midwives wanted me to see my perinatologist very early in this pregnancy with Bumblebee for my peace of mind and to see how baby was doing. Additionally, we were getting ready to leave the country for a few weeks, and we agreed that reassurance would be greatly appreciated.

So, we had an ultrasound at 6w5d to confirm the pregnancy and (hopefully) see a heartbeat. Turns out, the whole ordeal that was meant to reassure me took up a lot of head space in the days leading up to it. For one, the timing was undeniably similar to when we lost Basil. For two, I recognized that an ultrasound would make the situation clear – without an ultrasound, I was operating on the philosophy of “no news is good news.” An ultrasound would change that. And finally, the stress of literally packing for a nearly month-long trip without knowing the result of our ultrasound was immense. I so hate to admit it, but I cried to Chris of my struggle with whether or not I should pack to be prepared for a miscarriage. Or, if I should pack any maternity pants.

It was an even-more-than-normal emotional time for me. And, while I struggled to see the situation with clarity at the time, it’s obvious to me why I needed to write the following letter and prayer just two days before our ultrasound and leaving for our trip.

I think that when you’re walking through pregnancy after loss, you expect to struggle a bit. But, it’s the small things that have caught me off guard – like do I pack pads and pain medication or maternity pants and anti-nausea remedies? Ultimately, there is no guidebook to walking this, just as there was no guidebook for the grief process of losing our three babies. But God is gracious and has been my strength.


Second Letter to Bumblebee
4/8/13
Hi little one!

I love you so much. You sure are having fun growing, I think. Mama feels so pregnant!

For some reason, though, I’m worrying about you tonight. Worry isn’t good, sweet one. Worry isn’t of The Lord – it means we are not trusting Him and resting in His promises. He will never leave not forsake us. He holds you, Mama, Daddy, and Poppy in His hands! He loves us!

So, instead of worrying, I decided to write you a letter and say a prayer for you. Daddy and I are having so much fun preparing for you already! We might even already know your name!

Lord, I pray for our sweet Bumblebee. I pray that you carry this little one through life – we give him/her to You because Your love is great and You are trustworthy. We cannot WAIT to see baby’s heartbeat. Lord, would you keep Bumblebee growing strong? This is big stuff – so much for such a little one to manage. It’s so big that we know it happens solely because of Your hand. You have breathed life out of nothing, and we praise You. We praise You because Bumblebee is fearfully and wonderfully made!

Don’t let us waste another moment worrying when we can spend every second praising You for the blessings You’ve given, the love You share, and the sins You’ve forgiven. We love You Lord! Amen

Sweet baby, mama loves you, always and forever, no matter what! See you soon!

This time, our story ended in good news. Even though baby was still very small, we saw Bumblebee’s sweet heartbeat on the ultrasound. I cried such happy tears, and our wonderful perinatologist rejoiced with us. What a happy memory!

Letters to Bumblebee

YellowTulips

I think it’s natural to guard one’s heart in pregnancy after loss. Just because it may be natural, though, doesn’t mean it’s something we want to settle into and get comfortable with. I know I certainly didn’t. I wanted to love this baby wholeheartedly. And I didn’t want to look back on my pregnancy and remember all the ways I tried to keep my heart safe. For better or for worse, this baby deserved a mama who was brave enough to love. From day one.

And so, of course, one way I combatted guarding my heart was by writing Bumblebee some letters. I know many mamas write their children letters throughout their lives, but so far it’s not been something I’ve done. Yet, I felt that writing Bumblebee was a necessary part of this unpredictable process that is pregnancy after loss. I wanted to share, again with my heart on my sleeve, in case someone out there can relate.

The first letter was written the day after I found out Bumblebee existed:

3/20/2013

Hello Sweet Baby!

Oh how my heart rejoices to know you! And in fact, you’ve been mommy’s little secret for a few days. 🙂

God surprised me with you, little one. Mommy and Daddy didn’t know when you’d come, and I think now seems like PERFECT timing! You are being knit together, designed by an awesome creator. I pray you’ll know Him one day. I know Him – better now than ever probably, and I praise Him for you!! You are a blessing!

Little one, our “after” is forever changed because of YOU! You exist! We are so happy! And yet, there was a “before,” too. Before was sometimes very hard. We know that after will be hard, too, but regardless of it all, we trust God’s plan. We know that He knows best.

Heaven is close on our minds, you see. You have THREE beautiful and precious siblings there! Jesus is there! Mommy and Daddy will go there, too, one day. It really is our home, you know.

And I just want to tell you that Mommy and Daddy love you so much. We place you in God’s hands because He loves you EVEN MORE than we do. Your life is big and valuable because He is your creator. And we so want to meet you!

But, we trust God – even when it’s hard. If you meet Jesus and your three siblings in Heaven before we do, I know that will be wonderful for you! It will be very sad for us, but a hopeful sad because, really, we won’t be long behind you.

Either way, sweet baby, God loves us. He made us all, and He is working good things out of the hard stuff of our lives. We trust that He is doing the same for you!

We pray that you grow big and strong, sweet baby. We pray that you’ll get to meet Mommy, and Daddy, and Poppy first! We can’t wait to hold you in our arms… To watch you smile for the first time… Coo at us… Grow up entirely too fast… Play games with us and learn about Jesus with us. Serve others with us… We know God has already blessed us with you, and we pray with all that we are that He will bless us by keeping you healthy to come meet us!

We can’t wait!!! I love you, sweetie.

Love, Mommy

Mama still loves you, Sweet Bee. God is good, all the time.