Because of our history, my midwives wanted me to see my perinatologist very early in this pregnancy with Bumblebee for my peace of mind and to see how baby was doing. Additionally, we were getting ready to leave the country for a few weeks, and we agreed that reassurance would be greatly appreciated.
So, we had an ultrasound at 6w5d to confirm the pregnancy and (hopefully) see a heartbeat. Turns out, the whole ordeal that was meant to reassure me took up a lot of head space in the days leading up to it. For one, the timing was undeniably similar to when we lost Basil. For two, I recognized that an ultrasound would make the situation clear – without an ultrasound, I was operating on the philosophy of “no news is good news.” An ultrasound would change that. And finally, the stress of literally packing for a nearly month-long trip without knowing the result of our ultrasound was immense. I so hate to admit it, but I cried to Chris of my struggle with whether or not I should pack to be prepared for a miscarriage. Or, if I should pack any maternity pants.
It was an even-more-than-normal emotional time for me. And, while I struggled to see the situation with clarity at the time, it’s obvious to me why I needed to write the following letter and prayer just two days before our ultrasound and leaving for our trip.
I think that when you’re walking through pregnancy after loss, you expect to struggle a bit. But, it’s the small things that have caught me off guard – like do I pack pads and pain medication or maternity pants and anti-nausea remedies? Ultimately, there is no guidebook to walking this, just as there was no guidebook for the grief process of losing our three babies. But God is gracious and has been my strength.
Second Letter to Bumblebee
Hi little one!
I love you so much. You sure are having fun growing, I think. Mama feels so pregnant!
For some reason, though, I’m worrying about you tonight. Worry isn’t good, sweet one. Worry isn’t of The Lord – it means we are not trusting Him and resting in His promises. He will never leave not forsake us. He holds you, Mama, Daddy, and Poppy in His hands! He loves us!
So, instead of worrying, I decided to write you a letter and say a prayer for you. Daddy and I are having so much fun preparing for you already! We might even already know your name!
Lord, I pray for our sweet Bumblebee. I pray that you carry this little one through life – we give him/her to You because Your love is great and You are trustworthy. We cannot WAIT to see baby’s heartbeat. Lord, would you keep Bumblebee growing strong? This is big stuff – so much for such a little one to manage. It’s so big that we know it happens solely because of Your hand. You have breathed life out of nothing, and we praise You. We praise You because Bumblebee is fearfully and wonderfully made!
Don’t let us waste another moment worrying when we can spend every second praising You for the blessings You’ve given, the love You share, and the sins You’ve forgiven. We love You Lord! Amen
Sweet baby, mama loves you, always and forever, no matter what! See you soon!
This time, our story ended in good news. Even though baby was still very small, we saw Bumblebee’s sweet heartbeat on the ultrasound. I cried such happy tears, and our wonderful perinatologist rejoiced with us. What a happy memory!