Pregnancy after loss is crazy unpredictable.
Even though I worried about Poppy during my first pregnancy, it’s different with this baby. With Poppy, I felt more fearful of losing her, fearful in a “I don’t know what to expect” and a “what if…?” kind of way. The emotions I’ve fought against through this pregnancy with Bumblebee are different. I often feel… Wow it’s so hard to explain. In the early days, I desperately didn’t want to lose my baby; and yet I think I had learned to accept this blessing with much more open hands. It wasn’t fatalistic, but it was a deep-seeded, faith-filled realization that I was not and could not be in control. It was a buckle down kind of feeling, almost like gearing up for battle.
In many ways, pregnancy after loss is a battle: a battle for hope, a battle against fear, a battle to love, a battle to stay strong.
The first few days after finding out I was pregnant with Bumblebee, I was the only one who knew since Chris was out of town. I was alone with my thoughts much more, and I think it helped force me to process the whirlwind that existed inside of me. So, I wrote.
I wrote a hurried, afraid-to-breathe prayer in the moments after seeing two pink lines. It’s taken some time, but I’ve decided I want to share some. It’s deeply personal, but if it can help someone else process the ups and downs of pregnancy after loss, then it’s completely worth wearing my heart on my sleeve:
March 19, 2013
I just had my fifth positive pregnancy test. FIVE! I can hardly believe you’ve blessed us with five blessings! Lord, I am in awe. […]
Lord, I don’t even want to go here, but I must. I cannot ignore my history away, pretend it never happened. I can’t deny the fact that the trials you’ve walked us through have changed me.
I want them to have changed me in only positive ways and never negative, but you know I’m being honest with you when I say I’m scared. […]
Lord, this child is yours. Please enable us to make the best decisions we can for this baby. Fulfill your will in his/her life. We would so love to hold this baby and have the blessing of loving and raising this child. But your will be done. I don’t have to fear. […]
You above all – far above all – know what this baby and I need! Please hold us in your hand, protect us, and let your will be done in our lives.
Thank you Lord for this blessing! I love you! Thank you for walking me through my years, for never leaving me Lord!
I love you and I praise you, for this baby and I are fearfully and wonderfully made! You hold our days in your hands! You will never leave or forsake us […]
Give me courage, Lord! […]
I love you. I thank you for this sweet baby!
Looking back on this prayer four months later now, I see a clear pattern. I was grateful; I was honest; I did my best to not live in the honesty of my humanity and fears, but instead tried my best to remind myself of who my Savior is and what He has promised.
No matter your trial, remember that you can be so honest with The Lord. But also remember to not settle with your own emotions. Instead, we must practice claiming what God has promised to us. If we know Him, we can walk and rest in those promises.