I think it’s natural to guard one’s heart in pregnancy after loss. Just because it may be natural, though, doesn’t mean it’s something we want to settle into and get comfortable with. I know I certainly didn’t. I wanted to love this baby wholeheartedly. And I didn’t want to look back on my pregnancy and remember all the ways I tried to keep my heart safe. For better or for worse, this baby deserved a mama who was brave enough to love. From day one.
And so, of course, one way I combatted guarding my heart was by writing Bumblebee some letters. I know many mamas write their children letters throughout their lives, but so far it’s not been something I’ve done. Yet, I felt that writing Bumblebee was a necessary part of this unpredictable process that is pregnancy after loss. I wanted to share, again with my heart on my sleeve, in case someone out there can relate.
The first letter was written the day after I found out Bumblebee existed:
Hello Sweet Baby!
Oh how my heart rejoices to know you! And in fact, you’ve been mommy’s little secret for a few days. 🙂
God surprised me with you, little one. Mommy and Daddy didn’t know when you’d come, and I think now seems like PERFECT timing! You are being knit together, designed by an awesome creator. I pray you’ll know Him one day. I know Him – better now than ever probably, and I praise Him for you!! You are a blessing!
Little one, our “after” is forever changed because of YOU! You exist! We are so happy! And yet, there was a “before,” too. Before was sometimes very hard. We know that after will be hard, too, but regardless of it all, we trust God’s plan. We know that He knows best.
Heaven is close on our minds, you see. You have THREE beautiful and precious siblings there! Jesus is there! Mommy and Daddy will go there, too, one day. It really is our home, you know.
And I just want to tell you that Mommy and Daddy love you so much. We place you in God’s hands because He loves you EVEN MORE than we do. Your life is big and valuable because He is your creator. And we so want to meet you!
But, we trust God – even when it’s hard. If you meet Jesus and your three siblings in Heaven before we do, I know that will be wonderful for you! It will be very sad for us, but a hopeful sad because, really, we won’t be long behind you.
Either way, sweet baby, God loves us. He made us all, and He is working good things out of the hard stuff of our lives. We trust that He is doing the same for you!
We pray that you grow big and strong, sweet baby. We pray that you’ll get to meet Mommy, and Daddy, and Poppy first! We can’t wait to hold you in our arms… To watch you smile for the first time… Coo at us… Grow up entirely too fast… Play games with us and learn about Jesus with us. Serve others with us… We know God has already blessed us with you, and we pray with all that we are that He will bless us by keeping you healthy to come meet us!
We can’t wait!!! I love you, sweetie.
Mama still loves you, Sweet Bee. God is good, all the time.