I wonder if the next chapter of our story starts this week. I have my first appointment with my new perinatologist in order to see if we can determine a common thread to our losses and, ultimately, see if there is anything more or different we need to do the next time I become pregnant.
I’m simply anticipating… anything really. After so many months of so many emotions, I would really like to think I’m ready for anything. Something might show up in our test results. The doctor’s expertise matched with our story might also be enough to set us on a new path. I really don’t know exactly what to expect, but I’m ready to know.
For so long after losing Basil, I was terrified of that third miscarriage. Two miscarriages might simply be a “fluke” (in the world’s mind – of course we know that God purposes each individual’s life – our sweet babies notwithstanding); but three miscarriages would be this “thing.” We didn’t want a “thing.” We didn’t want this to be a long journey, and yet here we are. And, after losing Parsley, I was more ready than ever to simply grab the bull by the horns and keep on keeping on.
Anticipation suggests hope, and I can’t deny that answers would go a long way to settle my heart. I’m a details kind of person, and it’s hard for me to not continually dig deeper. And still, I know the Holy Spirit has been preparing me for anything.
What I’m learning is this: Do I trust God? Period. Not “trust Him until I get answers and can put my faith in modern medicine.” Not “trust Him until we have a successful pregnancy and bring home our rainbow.” Not “trust Him because we know things will turn out in our favor.” Just simply trust Him. And, it’s a hard question to answer. I definitely think I’m closer than I was several months ago. He really has taught my selfish heart so much. And still, part of me struggles to give this up to Him day after day, miscarriage after miscarriage.
So, friends and blogosphere strangers, won’t you pray for us this week? Pray most of all that we continue to know God in greater ways and become more like Him, whatever the cost to our earthly selves. Pray for answers at my appointment should God will us to know them. Pray for confidence to proceed and a good relationship with my new doctor.
Pray that we’ll trust. And praise Him alongside us for His goodness. He is so, so good.
In light of this anticipation, I can’t help but think of this great song by Kutless. I’ve sung it many a time, and I really identify with it.
Our “healing” may not come – I’ve had to force myself to think that through. We may have yet to endure countless trials, and yet we will still choose to trust Him.
You are God; you are good. Forever faithful one. Even if the healing doesn’t come.