I’m going to say something crazy.
I don’t want to be who I was before I lost three babies.
I suppose it is a great paradox of my life so far – to hate that our babies died but to rejoice in their eternal lives; to hurt so badly with grief but to weep with joy over the strengthening of my faith; to believe that I have been blessed through suffering.
“In this you greatly rejoice, though now for a little while, if need be, you have been grieved by various trials, that the genuineness of your faith, being much more precious than gold that perishes, though it is tested by fire, may be found to praise, honor, and glory at the revelation of Jesus Christ, whom having not seen you love. Though now you do not see Him, yet believing, you rejoice with joy inexpressible and full of glory, receiving the end of your faith—the salvation of your souls.”
1 Peter 1:6-9
I can’t explain it, but I know some of you get it. Well, for all I know, all of you get it, and I’m the slow learner. It is so unfathomable that God can work so much good through so much bad.
Losing my babies and walking this path of repeated pregnancy loss is not something I wanted for my life. You know what I did want, though? I wanted great faith. I wanted God’s will for my life. I wanted my life to be so much richer than anything my tiny perspective could dream up. I promise you this: God is answering my prayers.
It hurts so bad, but I have never been more sure in my life: as this blog’s verse truthfully claims, He is working ALL things for good in my life, according to HIS purposes.
It’s not my place to guess why this has happened to us, or why your life’s struggle has happened to you. Certainly terrible things happen to us all – such is life on this marred earth. But, I will say this, no matter the why, God is near me. He is answering my prayers for my family through our struggle. He is providing joy and peace – oh what peace! – through the pain.
“The Lord is close to the brokenhearted
and saves those who are crushed in spirit.”
I want to encourage you today, whatever it is that you’re dealing with, that you don’t have to despair. Cry out to the Lord and know Him. He is near.
Finally, I leave you with a song about blessings. This world would tell you that blessings are only good things, but the Lord our God will always overcome evil with good:
Cause what if your blessings come through raindrops?
What if your healing comes through tears?
What if a thousand sleepless nights are what it takes to know You’re near?
What if trials of this night, are Your mercies in disguise?